Bonding or Bondage?

Notes on how to be a healthy, not perfect, stepfamily

Being the “perfect” stepfamily means spending lots of time together, building memories and sharing experiences, right? Well, sort of. There is truth in the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I know a stepfamily that consists of a dad, Dave, with three kids under eight, and a mom, Ruth, with one child, age 17. The atmosphere in the house on Fridays just before a stepkid weekend was so tense it could be cut with a dull plastic picnic knife. The expectation of the couple, married only a year, was that the majority of the time on the weekend would be spent “bonding” with each other and with each other's kids.

There was a bounty of problems associated with this approach, not the least that Ruth and Dave were very different when it came to the levels of energy they each experienced on stepkid weekends. Ruth was a mellow, relaxed, often fatigued professional who worked in the high pressure world of financial services, and she looked forward to her weekends as a time to rejuvenate and to ready herself for a busy workweek. She understood cognitively that every other weekend would be filled with activities and boisterousness, but her spirit would positively wilt when she anticipated the challenges the 48 hours would bring. Dave, on the other hand, worked at a less demanding job, and looked forward to his weekends with his kids as a time to recharge by getting outside, running around, and laughing and wrestling with his kids. Ruth's daughter was often at work, or staying with friends on the weekends Dave's kids were there, and Ruth found herself getting resentful that her “free time” was being taken up by activities related to the younger children.

It came to a head on a sunny Sunday afternoon. The couple had already had a busy weekend - from a birthday party Friday night, to bowling and a visit to the petting zoo on Saturday, to church on Sunday morning, and on Sunday afternoon when Dave popped his head into their bedroom to ask when Ruth would be ready to go to the hobby store, she exploded. It was simply the most flammable argument in a string of conflicts having to do with their differing expectations about how time would be spent. But it was enough of a fight for them to finally call me for counseling.

I had seen the couple before their wedding, and they were able to do good work around negotiating finances and household chores. They had tried to address the time issue themselves, but couldn't seem to work together constructively enough to make a difference.

When they sat down in my office, I listened to the particulars of their struggle, then collaborated with them to clarify their expectations and make a game plan.

Ruth was able to identify her feelings of guilt if she didn't participate in activities with Dave and his kids. The couple had translated spending time together as a family as “bonding,” and as the adult female in the house, Ruth felt particularly strongly that she should help with the bonding process. Dave simply enjoyed spending time with Ruth and his kids, and wanted Ruth's company if at all possible. After discussing openly their thoughts and feelings, each spouse was able to understand more fully the good intentions of the other, and were able to start to let each other (and themselves) off the hook, and imagine a family life where there would be strong bonds, based on desire rather than obligation. The couple chose some specific instances where time spent together would be important, such as eating together at family meals, and were able to negotiate some behavioral expectations of Dave and the stepkids so that Ruth wouldn't experience them as so rambunctious. Dave was able to gently discuss Ruth's withdrawal from the family, and the couple agreed she may have been becoming depressed, as well as fatigued. Ruth agreed to consider a referral to a psychotherapist for individual counseling, and decided to attempt to make some life changes, such as getting more rest and eating better.

Weekends are not always without conflict and stress (they have four children, after all!), but the understanding and goodwill the couple has developed around this issue helps them to make good decisions and have open discussion with each other, rather than toiling away at their individual agendas while fostering resentment.

Counseling helped Ruth and Dave...and it can help you and your family too.  Call today for more information.

Read Rebecca's advice on Internet dating at About.com!

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 What do all those initials mean?

Very often new clients tell me they are confused by all the initials after the names on the list they were given by their insurance company or employer. There are important differences, as well as similarities, between the professions, and clients need to know what kind of therapist they are really looking for in order to get the best help available. Below I have listed the most common professionals clients will encounter, along with some basic information, including what all those initials stand for!

LMFT: Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

According to the American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy website (aamft.org), Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) are mental health professionals trained in psychotherapy and family systems, and licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems. MFTs cannot prescribe medication.

Marriage and family therapists are a highly experienced group of practitioners, with an average of 13 years of clinical practice in the field of marriage and family therapy. They evaluate and treat mental and emotional disorders, other health and behavioral problems, and address a wide array of relationship issues within the context of the family system. Marriage and Family Therapists broaden the traditional emphasis on the individual to attend to the nature and role of individuals in primary relationship networks such as marriage and the family. MFTs take a holistic perspective to health care; they are concerned with the overall, long-term well-being of individuals and their families.

MFTs have graduate training (a Master's or Doctoral degree) in marriage and family therapy and at least two years of clinical experience. Marriage and family therapists are recognized as a "core" mental health profession, along with psychiatry, psychology, social work and psychiatric nursing. Since 1970 there has been a 50-fold increase in the number of marriage and family therapists. At any given time they are treating over 1.8 million people.

LCSW: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

The National Association of Social Workers' website (helpstartshere.org) describes social workers as "qualified to help people right in their own environment, by looking at all the different aspects of their life and culture. (Social workers) work to ensure personal well-being, prevent crises and to counsel individuals, families, and communities." There are more than 600,000 professional social workers in the United States who have all earned bachelor’s, master’s or doctoral social work degrees, and have completed a required number of hours in supervised fieldwork. LCSWs cannot prescribe medication.

LPC: Licensed Professional Counselor

LPCs are master's level mental health service providers, trained to work with individuals, families, and groups in treating mental, behavioral, and emotional problems and disorders.
LPC education and training standards for licensure are on par with those of the other two master’s level mental health providers - Marriage and Family Therapists and Clinical Social Workers. Like these other professionals, LPCs cannot prescribe medication.

CADC/LADC: Certified or Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor

A person licensed or certified to conduct alcohol and drug assessment or counseling. These professionals also cannot prescribe medication to their clients.

APRN: Advanced Practice Registered Nurse

Registered Nurses with advanced education, knowledge, skills, and scope of practice. Most APRNs possess a master's or doctoral degree in nursing. Some APRNs work in the mental health field, and can diagnose mental illness and prescribe medication.

Psychologist (PhD, EdD or PsyD)

Psychologists perform a variety of jobs, including academic research, working in educational settings, and private practice. Psychologists often rely on psychological assessments in order to diagnose and provide treatment. Clinical psychologists provide mental health care, but cannot prescribe medication.

Psychiatrist (MD)

Psychiatrists are medical doctors with a specialty in psychiatry. Psychiatrists generally spend a shorter amount of time with their patients, and the principle method of treatment is pharmacology (prescribing of medication). Often people will combine treatment by a psychiatrist with that of other mental health professionals in order to maximize the success of their treatment.